Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
