worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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