Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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