I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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