Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
