Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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