Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
