i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
