Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
