My sheets look like a crime scene.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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