Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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