i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Come share oat with me in your robe
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
