I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
