I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
