just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
