No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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