Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
