Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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