last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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