he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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