I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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