It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
