ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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