goodnight i made you a song goodbye
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
