I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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