I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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