im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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