My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
