Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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