Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
