Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
