What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
