Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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