I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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