he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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