I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
