my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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