Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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