just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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