I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
