I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
