dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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