i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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