thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
