I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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