The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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