I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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