Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
