I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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