Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
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