you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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