I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
