God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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