We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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